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Post by Admin on Jul 12, 2018 23:34:04 GMT -5
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Post by kumquatkid on Aug 1, 2018 12:25:30 GMT -5
We open on a press conference setting, as the one, the only (thank Odin’s beard!) “Kumquat Kid” Ryan Lewis sits at a table, mic before him, clad in a wide brim Kumquats 4 Life baseball cap of orange and lime green and gray Ducktales (woo-ooh!) t-shirt. Flashbulbs go off as Ryan taps the mic, his framed photo of the late Kurt Cobain from MTV Unplugged standing beside the mic.
”I heard you folks had some questions, so please, fire away.”
”Debra Caufield, Dade City Gazette, Ryan why are you even having this press conference?”
”That’s very simple, Debra. Some unknown entity, known only as OOC, informed me, along with all of the other EW superstars that if we don’t hold press conferences like this for two cycles, and I guess that’s some alien term, then not only do we face possible suspension or termination, but from what I hear, every Walmart in America loses their self-checkout lanes. Now, I don’t know about everyone else in the locker room, but when some OOC aliens threaten not only my own welfare but that of robot check out machines, well, then spending some time having aimless, pointless, and silly press conferences like this, is worth every second I know we’re all not going to get back.”
Puzzled, Debra jots down something in her memo pad.
”Guy Smiley, Sesame News Online, is it true that a man named Jimmeh from Canada hates kumquats?”
”Ya know, you think you know people. I mean sure, I didn’t even know Jimmeh was of the rare African Canadian tribe, an endangered species up there in the lands of lumberjack attacks and jackelope raids, but for him to hate something that never did a thing to him, didn’t even affect his prized maple syrup collection, well that just shows that I guess racism isn’t just relegated to America, now is it?”
Equally puzzled, Guy just shakes his head.
“Roberto Faux, Fake News Media, what are you going to do now after two straight losses in Empire Wrestling?”
”Well first of all, I intend on cashing in on doing the favor for those OOC aliens. I think if I am willing to spend my afternoon here, as all of you have, we should all be entitled to some kind of reward. Now I can’t speak for all of you, but I think a press conference like this to entertain and fulfill some kind of bizarre alien ritual Empire Wrestling is somehow legally bound to, is worthy of at least, oh I don’t know, a travel mug with my likeness filled with arcade tokens and a bathtub of Fig Newtons, but that isn’t up for me to decide.”
Tactual pause. Why? No idea.
“What I can decide is to once again study the ways of my zen master, the great Kurt Cobain, and continue my journey through Empire Wrestling because I can truly feel something great is about to happen, something so great it’s going to make me stand up and shout “I’m only happy when it rains!” just like my pal Kurt here once said. Whatever Empire Wrestling, the OOC aliens, or even Adam Sandler’s presence within Casey Gray’s soul throws at me, I’ll be ready, so VIVA LA KUMQUAT and all hail Danny Hall!”
“I actually have no idea what a lot of that was about but it came in on Dunk’s alien transmission machine he calls the Shoutbox, so don’t blame me, blame the stupid aliens for saying stupid things. Thank you!”
Ryan stands up, pumping his fists in the air and yelling “CHECK AND MATE! ACHIEVEMENT UNLOCKED, OOC ALIENS, OH YEAH!” before running out the door past his friends Dunk and Little Quat who are among the people taking photos as we fade out.
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